Trepidation
by The Half Mad Muggle
Summary: Another night, another Order meeting, another Death Eater meeting. Severus and Albus before, between and after...father/son relationship, hurt-comfort, ONESHOT!


**Trepidation**

_Kati gave me the title for this one. A one shot a day, until the 28__th__ May. (That's when I go on an exam forced thirty day hiatus from writing :( )_

_But anyway, forget the bad things. _

_TREPIDATION: That terrible period of waiting, between an Order of the Phoenix meeting and the call from the Dark Lord. They both know that soon enough, the Dark Mark will burn—and yet neither are ready to accept it. _

_Albus Dumbledore does his best to comfort an afraid Severus._

_Thank you for reading, and please review if you have the time!_

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own any of these characters. I am simply playing with them. All credit must go to J K Rowling for being a genius.**

**_Dedications this time to Kati and Liluthiel; the former because she is amazing, and the latter because her reviews never fail to make me smile. Thank you honey, I hope this one lives up to your expectations, not that I like making you cry! SS19 x_**

* * *

"Come and sit down." Albus opened the door to his office, letting Severus storm through. "How dare they?" The younger wizard was simmering with rage, "How dare they speak to me like that!"

"Severus..." Albus gently closed the door, walking back behind his desk. "I am sure it was not meant to be offensive."

Snape scoffed, "Of course it was. Black cannot be kind to me, even if his life depended on it." He smirked, "Which funnily enough, it does! If the Dark Lord were to find out about him..."

Dumbledore folded his arms, "Severus." His tone was firm, "I will not allow you to threaten the life of an Order member. You will retract that statement..."

Snape sighed, "I am not serious, Headmaster. I am angry." He shook his head, "I wish they knew the extent of..."

Albus reached across the desk and touched Severus' elbow, "Sit down, dear boy. It will be a few hours at least before Voldemort calls."

Snape flinched, "I wish you would stop that. I don't like it when people say his name." He sunk down onto the red sofa, his favourite spot in Dumbledore's office.

"Why?" Dumbledore used his wand to conjure a tea set from thin air, letting it rest on the wooden table in front of Snape. "Why does it upset you?"

Snape frowned, "Because no one is allowed to say his name." He watched Dumbledore sit down, "It is funny how I would be murdered for saying his name; you, on the other hand, are famous for it."

Albus laughed, "I can imagine that if Tom was in a position to kill me, Severus, he would, without a thought. Well, he would pause to gloat first, but then he would kill me." He paused, his smile fading, "That is why you do what you do."

Severus raised his gaze to the Heavens for a moment, "It is becoming harder." He rested his hand on his left forearm, "Things are moving quicker than I expected."

Albus busied himself with the tea, knowing the right amount of water and the right amount of sugar to add to Severus' cup. He waited, wondering if the younger man was going to push the conversation topic any further.

"We have to keep you safe." Severus finished finally, "Without you, the Wizarding World will not be safe. Indeed it will be doomed to Dark, without you, Headmaster. You have to live."

Albus felt the genuine emotion behind Snape's simple words, "I am intent on keeping you alive too, Severus." He saw the black eyes flick to the clock, "He will not call until after nightfall, Severus. You know that well."

"I do not like this wait." Snape sighed, picking his tea cup up from the table. Despite his disliking of tea, he drank it almost desperately in Albus' company. Albus was sure he associated the drink with the wizened Headmaster, and it helped to calm him. "We have no idea what mood he will be in until we arrive. We do not know what the entertainment of the evening will be." There was very little colour in his face—Dumbledore knew why.

"He cannot blame Norfolk solely on you, Severus." The Headmaster could not convey the fear hidden in his own heart; if he could not stay strong for Severus, then who would? "Do you think he will hurt you?"

Snape stood abruptly, turning to the window. "If he thinks I have disobeyed him, I will not return here." He shook his head slowly, "If he thinks I have failed him, I will be taught not to fail him again. If he thinks I have been foolish, I will be shown the error of my ways. Whatever way we see it, I am in for a little...quality time with him."

Dumbledore didn't want to show how much these flippant words hurt him. He felt his heart twist, as if someone was wringing it with their hands. He stared at the younger man for a moment, and then... "Severus...I don't want you to go tonight." He said finally.

Snape smiled, facing his old friend, "How will that help either of us?" His voice had gained an affectionate quality, "Headmaster...I can withstand his torture."

Dumbledore nodded slowly, "For now. But no human can withstand the Cruciatus every night, Severus. You are not inhuman." He sighed, "I feel so guilty. I really do. I wish it did not have to be this way."

In a rare moment of emotion, Snape crossed the room and knelt next to the Headmaster, so their eye lines were level. "But it has to be this way. There is nothing else. There is no other way." Their fingers touched for the briefest of moments, "I do not hold you responsible for my position, Headmaster. I never will. I made the choice to spy for you; I will continue to fulfil that position." He stood back up, returning to his sofa. "If I die repaying my debt to you, then so be it."

Dumbledore shook his head violently, "You owe me nothing, Severus. I need you to understand that." He looked back at his steaming tea, "You have long since repaid your debt."

Snape kept his gaze on the wall behind Dumbledore, "Then I do it because I want to help you. I do it because I feel I have to say thank you. Spying for you means that we will triumph; that is all I wish for now. When that is achieved, and only then, will I find peace..." His eyes moved to the sky. Slowly the colour was draining from the sky; like water running down a plug hole. Midnight blue ink was staining the horizon. "It is almost nightfall."

"Drink your tea. You will need it." Dumbledore watched as his young friend downed the rest of the caffeinated liquid, "He must not see this conversation."

"That I know, Headmaster. I am prepared. Remember my debt." Snape's gaze was meaningful. He was still eyeing the sky, "I am afraid."

"Tell me your fear." Dumbledore folded his arms, "I shall see if I can dispel it."

Snape laughed, a sound that Dumbledore had come to appreciate. "I feel you cannot dispel this fear, Headmaster, for I fear the future." He exhaled, "I fear what will happen when the final curtain rises." His eyes narrowed, "I see death and destruction, worse than last time, for the Dark Lord is angry. He stews, and as he simmers, his power grows. I fear...I fear he is now unstoppable." He shook his head, "I fear that this time, the Light will not surpass the Dark."

Dumbledore could not come up with a response straight away. He pondered Severus' words, contemplating the man who had spoken them. His young friend suddenly recoiled, pressing a hand to his arm. "And so it begins." He murmured, voice slightly strained. "It burns tonight. He is angry."

He rose from his chair, and Dumbledore mirrored his movement. "Good luck, Severus."

The younger man nodded, and walked toward the door—but then Dumbledore reached and grabbed his arm, turning him back. "Do not be afraid, Severus. The Light will always win; I know that. You, my dear child, are living proof of that. You battled your own Darkness to return to the Light; there will always be a flicker of Light where hope and faith remain." He touched Snape's cheek gently, "Come home to me."

"I have hope and faith in only one thing, Headmaster. You." Snape bowed his head slightly in respect, but it also meant his cheek stayed in contact with Albus' hand for a moment longer. "I will return. You will wait?"

"I cannot sleep until you are back here, Severus, and you know that well. Be careful." He let go of Snape's arm, and the young man disappeared down the corridor.

* * *

He paced. He sat. He waited. He watched the moon move across the sky. He watched the stars become obscured by clouds, as if a great darkness was drenching them, extinguishing their flickering light. He hoped that his metaphor was simply that—an observation.

Trepidation. A feeling that seemed to be his shadow; anxiety always caught him at the most inopportune moments, in recent weeks. Where he saw Fear always waiting behind Severus' back, Anxiety always crept up on him.

These nights were the worse; becoming more and more frequent. Waiting for Severus to return, not knowing what state he would be in. He could not sleep—he could not shut his mind down, for the moment he relinquished control, the mind played tricks on him. It produced images of Severus breaking down in front of Voldemort.

A flash of green light, and glassy black eyes. Always the same image. Was he seeing the future? He had always doubted the ability of Seers; and yet, this was so vivid he did not think it was simply his imagination.

Sat on his perch, Fawkes cawed slightly. Albus turned his attention to his phoenix, "He will be home soon." The phoenix had a special attachment to Severus—probably because the boy resembled a phoenix spiritually. His words were true; Severus Snape had arisen from the ashes and had become a graceful, wonderful individual.

Fawkes stared at him for a long moment, black eyes sad. Black eyes that reminded him of his brilliant Potions Master. Why did the phoenix have to remind him that although they were reborn, they also had to die?

A phoenix could be killed, after all. Phoenixes did not always arise from the dead.

His thoughts were morbid, and he shut them from his mind. He wished that he could...just know what was happening. He wished he had a way of seeing what happened at these meetings—no matter how much it would hurt—but of course, he couldn't. The only way he could see what happened at Death Eater meetings was through the eyes of his spy.

His spy who was, at this very moment, in terrible danger.

He sat in the sofa where Severus so usually frequented, wondering how long it would be before the door opened. He was so tired...weariness was consuming him. He propped his head up on his elbow, feeling his eyes start to close. He was old. He had to remember that. Staying up all night was not good for him.

Before he realised what was happening, he was asleep.

He gently eased the door open, wiping the blood away from the handle on his black robes. It would not matter, after all. He pushed it closed behind him, leaning back against the solid wood to keep his balance. Across the room from him, Albus stirred with a whisper of his name. "Sev—Severus?"

Instantly the older man was awake, jumping to his feet. "Severus!" All sleepiness was gone from him, as he crossed to the wounded wizard. "You do not look well."

Snape raised a bloodied finger, trying to silence the older wizard. " 's fine, I have a headache...I need to sit down..."

Albus gently steered him toward the sofa, kneeling in front of him, "Tell me what happened."

Snape was weaving between consciousness and sleep, face pale beneath the blood. "Just a little...reminder...of not to...screw...be foolish...in front..." His sentence was incomplete, words rising and falling as if on the wings of a bird. "Nothing...to worry...about."

Albus felt the smile grace his face despite the fear in his heart. "Of course not. Was it the Cruciatus, or something worse?"

Black eyes looked at him for a moment, "I was named solely responsible." His voice had gathered some strength, "By those I trusted...therefore...I had to bear that single responsibility...and had to take the...punishment of those I had...humiliated...as well...as my Lord's...displeasure..." He shook his head, "It is fine, Albus...I will sleep...and I will heal...and live to spy again."

Dumbledore nodded slightly, helping him to lie down on the sofa, "Very well. Rest yourself now, dear boy. I will see to some of your wounds while you sleep."

Before he had turned away fully, Snape spoke up again. "He asked me about you." A pause. "I said you were a fool. An old fool who would be easily defeated." For a second, he looked so upset.

Dumbledore waved a hand, "We will talk further in the morning, Severus. You need to sleep."

"No..." His voice sounded sluggish, but he was determined to speak. "You...I didn't mean it...you're brilliant...you really are..." He began to doze off, as Dumbledore gently rested a blanket over his shivering figure.

He smiled down at the younger man, "As are you, Severus..."

But Severus did not hear, as he had fallen completely asleep.

Dumbledore bent down and gently kissed Snape's forehead, "Sleep well, my brave child."

He looked back up at Fawkes, who straightened and stared back. The Nervousness and the Anxiety and the Trepidation were back.

Yes, Severus Snape had lived to fight another day.

But how many lives did he have left?

* * *

_One of my little girls I look after came up to me yesterday and gave me a hug, whispering in my ear that I was brilliant. She thought nothing of it; but it made me very happy. Being told that by someone you care for really means a lot; hence why I had to use it in this story._

_Hope everyone enjoyed!_


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